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I am that thing with no eyes.

Either a day have disappeared or time had frozen for quite a while now. I don't have an idea anymore. I feel not quite right, like the time isn't given in the right place, which only adds on to the wrong places. Maybe that's why everything feels so awakward, and I'm constantly searching for something else.

There was this yearbook phrensy today (as with all yearbooks, I'd think..) Everyone's asking for their yearbooks to be signed, while I just stood and witnessed it all. I myself did not buy an yearbook because really, I didn't feel like I want to be bothered with it. Last year, I hadn't gotten an yearbook either, with the excuse of "Well, I'm only a freshman.." I had instead, a "fake" yearbook; which in fact was a pretty little notebook that I had gotten for my birthday. But now that I'm a sophomore, there's more reasons to get one... yet, I still don't want to get one. What's the point? Am I supposed to stare at that one little square that I occupy in that whole book? It's almost like I don't exist. Maybe I really don't.. Maybe that picture of me isn't really my picture, haha. What's that person I see in the mirror? It's a substitute of me. I am not that person. Oh my. I should nominate myself for my own awards..Existence, because well, I don't think I exist. I might as well not anyway. The purpose is to make someone else exist, not me. Ha.

So the next school day would be finals and I still haven't put aside time to study. Besides, I still have things to do. On Sunday, I'm going to actually start the video project for History. It's due on Finals day.. and the finals day for fourth period is the last day.. Wednesday. Although we still have quite a while.. it'd be nice if we actually finished it well before then. Because now I'm just using all this time to worry and complain about it instead of doing useful things, like studying. Yes. That's what I should do. Arggh. I keep telling myself over and over again.. but do I do it? No. It's quite different from taking commands from someone else (like a mother..) because it's for their needs. When it comes to my needs.. well, I just don't do it. I don't make up great rules for myself. I am only driven by fear and competition. I don't think that's really great.. but that's just how it is..

I am so bored. Not with nothing to do (I have LOTS to do) but I'm tired the way things are going. Are there ever going to be variables? On the other hand, I'm a bit scared with the way things are going to be in the future. I'm just stuck.. I wish I could just accept reality and deal with it. I feel no direction though. I need something. I just do. Ugh. I wish I knew what the hell am I talking about. Ha ha.

I had been in such a horrible mood this morning. I wasn't feel very well because I worried too much. I worried about every possible thing.. everything that my mind could grasp of, I thought of. I thought of every possible thing that could happen, that could destroy me, and I thought of the outcomes. That goes into another web of possibilities and it goes on. I just thought too much and it paralyzed me. I wanted to get my mind off of it.. but it's not like I could just push aside things that's going to happen anyway. Why can't I just substitute my worries for action? I should actually do something besides just thinking, thinking, and thinking about it so much. (sigh)

Then I went to PE, and for some reason, volleyball cheered me up. I forgot to mention this yesterday (or maybe I did?) but while I went back to my house at lunch, I took Ani along because she wanted to leave school. We just happened to have a black coated car so it was really hot. So she proceeds to open the car window, but unfortunately that was the window that was broken (by me a long time ago). So she basically re-broke it. I'm like just staring at her, and looking at that open window with disbelief. She was so worried and started poking me, "I'm sorry.. don't look at me like thaaat.." And all this time, my brother was sitting silently while he was driving. Oh, he knew about the window. I felt bad for Ani, but for some reason, then, I was still in shock. I went home, grabbed my French folder, a bottle of water and those yogurt drinks (and gave one to her) and left. We came out to see that my brother was attempting to lift up the window. It worked.. the window was up, looking as unbroken as before. Ha ha. So my parents didn't even know about this incident. In fact, they didn't even know that we came home.

So in PE today, she was asking me if my brother was mad at her because he did not say a thing through this whole ordeal. Just completely silent. But it's not like it's such a strange thing because he is always so silent. (Not so much at home though) I said, "No.. don't worry!" And she starts asking, "Do your parents hate me?" Noo. Noo.. and then she's still worried. But then she really wasn't in her good mood anyway. She said that she was actually kind of scared of me when I went in shock, when I had that expression on my face. I realized that I am hardly ever in shock.. I don't know why I was just so surprised then. But we were all in our strange moods.

We were outside, on the grass doing exercises. I thought it was funny because on the ground where I am, the ground was a bit slanting, downwards toward the track. So I did my sit-ups really quickly and easily. I kept laughing throughout the whole time. For some reason, I loved this. This was close to my dream of playing in the sun, except of course there was no beach or sand. But it was close. Then we went and played volleyball. There was two captains.. and one of them happened to be "Susan" (I've been calling her that since last year's ISC class.. haha. It's not her real name, but who cares) and she says that she didn't pick me (for the team) because "Oops, I forgot you." What? HA ha. What a funny little excuse. Someone forgot me.. haha, I'm just so forgettable. But oh well, the other guy (il est dans ma classe de francais, je pense) chose me as the second girl anyway. So blah blah. Oh, and Sheenae was also chosen on the same team as me. (well, there was only two anyway..)

I was kind of nervous because I didn't play volleyball in like an year.. but it was fun anyway, anticipating when the ball was going to land. I didn't even get close enough to the ball. The only time I did touch the ball was when I was going to serve.. ha. I scored two points! It was a problem though because I had a watch on my right wrist and I was right handed. Ugh, why can't I be left handed?? Our team won with nine to six (or something like that). Yup, I contributed two out of nine points, haha. Yeah, it was fun.. especially since we didn't have to run and I wasn't worrying about finals or whatever ;D

I had a nice little lunch.. I actually found Shamala today.. I was kind of worried about her because she wasn't her usual smiley self. Yeah, well, I wasn't either, except I do smile.. even though it doesn't mean that I am happy. Isn't it worse to have fake smiles? Hmm. Well, today wasn't that horrible after PE, as I said. I was even almost happy (gasp) but then everywhere, I am reminded that school is almost over. The yearbooks are just a bit more obvious than I'd like. And I am reminded that I'm stuck in the end. Maybe I could let out a big sigh of relief once school lets out, but I just can't. School here right now is already so stressful.. and summer is going to be worse.. I'm going to be doing a LOT more.

Oh, I know I am kind of complaining. No, I'm just restating what's happening. There are just not much good things to say. Even the fact that school's over isn't a good thing. I am still doing nothing, and everything is just wrong. Has anything EVER looked so upside down to you? Well, everything right now is to me.

I think the sun's affecting my brain. Burned a hole and now I can't think. I've lost it.

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