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Every year I hope for more and more.. but every year Im disappointed at what I had accomplished. Just like every year, I stare at the stacks of presents by the same corner of the house. We dont even have a Christmas tree.. but we *always* put the presents in the same spot every year since the 5 years I've been in the house. I know it'd be the last year since the house is up for rebuilding.. Not that I love the house to death, but it just proves that things change too fast..

It is the second day of vacation and I have to put up with PMS, insomnia, chocolate cakes, and as of now, my growing splitting headache. Before, I tried doing some yoga-ish type exercises but it didnt clear my headache or make me feel any better. I knew I should just sit around in front of the computer doing nothing. But what else can I do? I need a direction. All of a sudden, I'd feel like crying.. but then when I try to think of a reason, Im confused since I find none. I took a walk in our backyard, which wasnt very big, but it was open fresh air.

Fall had settled in and the leaves were disarrayed everywhere. I passed our greenhouse.. which was built around 3 or 4 years ago because of my dad's obsession with growning certain plants that needed more heat than the California sun can give. I didnt especially like it.. but I love the concept of that mini-fountain with the artificial pond.. and every time I pass, I just had to go in and spy on those pond fishes under the murky waters, because it reminded me of those times when I used to go to the public park in TW and feed little food pellets to the fishes with my grandma. Those were times of little worries.. when worrying was optional. When laughter and smiles were prevalent in those days of running and having fun. The people were still there but suddenly, they've changed. It wasnt that they've gone and are thousands of miles away.. but the fact that it would be the last time that things would stay that way. I miss them. Maybe I even miss myself.

Now the disconcerting situation lies ahead. The questions stands.. What should I do? Im aware that while Im thinking, time still manages to pass by.. wasting is not an option.. it just so happens. I've spent countless things doing and redoing things.. but not much progress had been made. I dont know what is my goal. I remember taking a personality test at thespark and it labeled me as a 'dreamer'.. and yes, I do not think about my actions much.. I just do what I think is right at the moment. I dont think about the future.. yet I dwell on the past mistakes as a result of that. I think Im just too afraid to make mistakes.. its just easier to think everything will be perfect in the future.. because the future isnt here yet. Yet.. everything is just worse, isnt it?

Am I proud of myself? I know that I do everything for myself. Im not just living up to Thomas Hobbes' theory of self interest and evilness, but because I am myself and if theres no one else, I still have to live with myself. The problem is.. I dont know what I want.. so deciding what to do is hard. To some extent, designing is my passion. I love putting things together piece by piece.. creating something that only I did.. soemthing different from everyone. Yet.. I hate it since it doesnt do much for myself.. it just creates a product to be seen. I was proud to have seen that people actually liked my designs. I was given the *first* ginchiest award by squibnocket. Although Im not particularly proud of the design, at least some people recognized it other than me.. because really, I dont count.

See? Here it is. I feel so honored :)

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