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I know. I keep changing fonts and things.. I'm just slightly annoyed at everything. Everything looks and feels wrong. I know that I've been over this.. complaining about everything, but that's just how things are..

I've been avoiding the computer because I always feel so guilty being on here when I'm not supposed to. Not that anyone's stopping me.. but well, I'm stopping myself. There's just too many things that I'm supposed to do. Of course, I know that I'm on here now.. but that's after long and vigorous hours of studying. It's ruining my brain and I thought I'd take a rest from that. I doubt that I know any more information than I did when I didn't study, but it's something. At least I made myself open that book and made the strength to actually read and try to understand what it's saying. That takes a lot of willpower, don't you think? Yes.

I just can't be bothered by everything else right now. One little thing can just drive me completely over the edge. I'm scared of what I may do. But I remind myself that this should be over soon.. and still, I am worried. How many times do I have to say worried? Life isn't so great these days and I just can't appreciate what I have when I really don't see it.

I've seen what it's doing to people. I know that I am not alone in this school thing, because I see that people are worse off than me. All of a sudden my friends and all the people I care about are part of me. I don't know. Their problems suddenly just became my problems and I want them to be more happier than I want myself to be happy. One problem at a time, right? They seem to deserve more happiness than I do... because I'm the one that's throwing the chance away by neglicting everything. I do. I only keep making excuses for myself so it doesn't seems so bad. But it really is. So I guess I deserve all this..

Sometimes it isn't so horrible. This life, I mean. Sometimes I'd walk out into the sun and feel a sudden strength, like I could go on. I'd feel an energy.. with some feeling resembling happiness. It might have been happiness.. but I guess it must not have been because it always changes completely as the day goes on. But still, I had the strength, the will, to do the things I needed to do. That's what I am lacking these days.. this power to do anything. When one day, I find myself compelled to make everything right, it is a good day. Hope is a good sign, isn't it? And then once I realize that I can really change something, I get in a better mood. I get off of my worrying mode and everything seems so much betters.

Of course those are the rare good times. I'm stuck in my own dead cell right now.. trying to crawl out merely by hopes. Of course I know what I want.. but am I getting anywhere? No.

Okay. Enough complaining for one day. I'm not even saying anything about the inevitable finals. The problem isn't even that. The problem is ME. The test of me... and what I will do. It's not something I can study. And studying? No.. it's just not what I do anyway.

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