another sleepy motivation
(2001-04-23) 9:40 p.m.
The last bits of chocolate really does taste good.. It might possibly keep me awake for the next five hours or so. It's not that late, but I'm already tired. Most of the time when I go to sleep, I lay in bed for hours before I really sleep. But, I am so tired that I just have to lie in bed to achieve a wondrous affect of well-restedness. Looks like that's not going to happen tommorow or anytime soon if I keep going like this. It's not my fault I can't focus. Okay, it is. I just allowed myself because it's easier that way.. and I can't fight with myself now. I don't feel like I can think straight. I'm just doing whatever I am told. I'm just writing whatever comes to mind because I have no time. There's too many things to do and I am not doing any one of them. I am an idiot, as you can see. I told you that I will struggle and I am. I hate myself so much, and yet, I let myself become a dictator of myself. (Sorry, I've been studying Adolf Hitler too much) I feel like I have to give in to my own demands and then punishing myself afterwards. It works sometimes because it'd push me to do something. Its not exactly the right method for me to get motivated. I wish it'd just be self-motivation or something, but it's self-motivation + self-punishment. So sometimes, to avoid this, I just don't do anything altogether. Not a very good idea. I'm punished either way. My eyes are getting droopy already. I don't think I can take much of this. I am swallowing that temptation to go on and take another mint chocolate. I almost wish that I have no taste buds. But tasting is a special priviledge.. I remember how I suffered when I burned my taste buds. And when I had such a bad cold, and my nose is completely blocked. Those were the days when I could barely taste. And now that I could, it's a privilege that I wish I'd never have in the first place. Destroy the magnificance of life. Paint the colors in black and white. Dullness. I have no desire to continue on.. I think my spirit's already trampled on. It's sad to think about what's going to happen tommorow. I don't want to know. And "Casualties" proves how it is in life. Depressing stories and dragging me down, I swear. After learning about the deaths, I thought about my own life and how lifeless it is. I'm beginning to wonder if I am dead or not. But I guess I don't know how it really is. I've been stained with too many memories.. that's what happens when I don't accept the truth, and I'm embedded in my own world, a world that I've created myself. It's nice; but after a while you start to realize just how fake it is. It conflicts with reality. And it's hard to go back. I feel sick, hearing about the skinheads who is pro-Nazi. After hearing all those horror stories, I feel it's disgusting that anyone would want to relive those moments. There was an interview.. of people all over west Europe and then the US. They were asked if there would be a person like Adolf Hitler that would come to power. A person in London, England says: "No." Then another from Paris, France says: "No, that's just not the personality of the people here." A bewildered person in New York, US says: "No! Of course not! It wouldn't happen here!" And look at the group of skinheads. You know.. there is also a person who's committed numerous murders. And when he was taken to prison, he says that he "doesn't regret it because he was meant to do it." It gives a chill to the bone that those kinds of people exists. It could be anyone.. (sigh) You see how I'm infested with these stories?
previous & next
|