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Talk to me. I hate myself. I disgust myself.

I want me to love me.

I always think that I do enjoy writing and designing. But when I really think about it.. all I do is just work on it.. how can I enjoy it when all I do is work? Do I enjoy the product? If so, HOW? By what people think? Why do I care about what people really think? Don't what I think count just as much?

I'm so needy. It's always "I'm so this" and "I'm so that". I'm just... everything! Instead of trying to change, I complain. I drive everyone crazy.. and what's worse is that they don't tell me.. I wouldn't know if they don't tell me right? And so instead there's people talking about me behind my back because I'm just so totally clueless. I think I'm turning into a guy. Ha ha. Just kidding. Because you know what? Guys are like this.. usually.

I only noticed my behavior during second period.. I was shrieking because I had forgotten to read one of the teacher's little stories. I do that everytime... I always manage to "forget" to read it. And I flunk EVERY one of those quizzes no matter HOW great I am at guessing. That just doesn't work. She's great at making those questions tricky.

Last semester, I literally flunked every one of them. Great way to bring down my grade, eh?

I was marvelling how I'm just so great at forgetting this routine.. a mistake I've made too many times before. So there I went, complaining.. and kept on going even after the quiz. And so that poor guy that sat next to me got up to the board and wrote next to tommorow's assignment my name in big letters.. and "READ THIS!" with an arrow pointing to the words. I started chuckling and then I realized how much I've complained and I shut up after that. He of course erased it to refrain from embarassing me even further. Ugh, I'm so ignorant.

I'm sorry. That's just the way I am. Who am I apologizing to anyway? Me? Or everyone else? I hate this indecisiveness.. thats what made people hate me in the first place. I need to shut up that other voice in my head. I can only go one way at a time. And it's usually that reason why I keep regretting every single action that I do.

I can't make up my mind. Maybe it's out of pure laziness.. that I just DON'T want to think about my future. OR, well... another one of my procrastinating habits. Oh, it's too much for me. I have to think about every little thing. I hate making the same mistakes over and over again.. and not "learn" from it. How do I learn from it anyway?

Hate me Hate me Hate me Hate me.

People voted on me for the vote-off on Survivor :( Of course its another diary.. but it's not that much different. I guess people found more reasons to hate me furthermore. I really should start an anonymous hate mail thing. Or.. maybe if they're brave enough, they'd leave their email or something.

It's really better if I know what bothers me. Then I can change. Right now, I don't KNOW.. and I hate how people start to talk behind my back as a result.

Remember those rumors about my classes? Although its not necessarily bad... it's JUST NOT TRUE! And no one wants to have false things spread about them that's not true. Especially since I can NOT find out who started it. And how the person that started it didn't come to ME to talk about it in the first place. Yes, I'm still angry. And I don't get angry easily.

I get annoyed easily, yes. I'm not only annoyed at myself though. Currently, I'm annoyed at my mother. She's on this outrageous diet. (Damn, she'd KILL me if she read this) And she's continuing even though she's so skinny now. And as if that's not enough to boost her confident, all day, she'd say I'm fat. Fat fat fat. We used to be far apart in weight. She'd think I'm pretty skinny before because she weighed quite more than me (and we're about the same in height). Now that's she's about the same as me.. (and probably even skinnier) she wants to feel so good about her body by bashing mine.

Okay, okay. Maybe she's not intentionally doing it. Oh, what the hell. I'm a hypocrite. But you see, both my dad and I TELL her not to diet so much because it's just pointless. But her reply? Well, it's "healthy". Right.. to deprive yourself of great foods. Grr. And she's my MOTHER! She's not supposed to do this.. she's supposed to set an example for me. Even if I'm not that young anymore...

But really? She's a bit like me. No, I mean, I'm a bit like her. Except that she's overly confident. But we both feed on other people's comments. I could tell because it bothers her so much when people don't like her.. and she'd go ranting on and on about how they shouldn't. Ha. I don't do that. It'd just bother me, but I'd just accept it. Not everyone could love me :)

No, I don't hate her. I do love her.. overall, she is a great mother.. she's a brave women.. but just overly confident, and emotional. And another thing.. she always thinks that she's right. Hmm.. never mind, I think my whole family is the same way. Stubborn. Hate admitting her mistake.

Whoo. I just spent several paragraphs talking about my mother. I think I'm going to become like her when I grow up. Scary. Imagine me in 10 years.

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