index� archives� notes� profile� rings� design� diaryland

Its the end of a thursday and I feel nothing. I pretend to smile like everythings all right in the world.. that theres happiness hidden beneath my simple smiles.. that I'm satisfied with my life. After weeks of enduring the pain, its become part of me, and I can control my feelings that sometimes seem to control me instead. I no longer get angry for no reason at all.. and my simple hatred is slowly diminishing. I can almost appreciate life.. almost.

My mother believed that my grandmother is helping her with her problems. She believed she dreamed of her one day amidst sleep and wake. She was standing in the doorway of the bathroom which my mother says is logical since grandmother loved to stay clean. Not only was the funeral chosen on the Saturday which was the only day off for saturday school, but its also a beautiful day.. and everything went so well. She also had a problem with renting out the condo we bought.. but the next day, a woman called and made all arrangements for the condo and mailed the check the following day without bargain.. Besides that, there was also a lot of other calls for it that never occured before the funeral. My mother thought it was a strange phenomenon and believed my grandmother had something to do with it. Its a bit scary to think about, but it might be possible..

There hadn't been a day ever since I've seen her body that I havent thought about her.. the image of her still lives on my mind. Occasionally, my mind would drift off to her and I'd realize I'd never see her again.. the only time I can is when I play the moments with her in my mind. I could see her so clearly.. especially the last time she really talked to me. She told me to step aside with her and she had given me a gold necklace. It had a gold "M" on the heart shape pendant thing on a chain. It was a bit long but I wore it anyway.. suppressing any displeasure since I knew she'd be hurt otherwise. I didnt know it'd be the last time she really looked at me. Everyday since then, I'd have a flashback of her and shudder. I think thats what keeps me determined and keeps me working... her image voices a silent encouragement that I had never had before.

previous & next