index� archives� notes� profile� rings� design� diaryland

Well, I "bought" Weezer from GarageBand.com.. Remember how I had mentioned that? It turned out to all be in Canadian dollars.. and I was wondering why the prices were so high. (one CD for more than $20? I don't think so!) But they only gave me CAN$25.. and thats more than enough for the CD.. but the problem is, the cheapest shipping fee is $7.50! Ugh. So, I can only buy CD less than CAN$17. That's like.. around $11 or $12 in US dollars.

Oh, it doesn't matter. At least I got something. I'm not that picky. I originally wanted Neve though.. and Stroke 9. They were on top of my list. But they were all CAN$20.. soo that can't happen. Unless I have a credit card of course. But I don't so, there we go. Weezer. Sounds like someone is holding in their sneeze. Instead, they are "weezing" Heh. If that makes any real sense. But I never make sense so well.

I hate having this complicated mind, really. Everything would be so much simpler. So much nicer, and the world would be a better place if I just stop and focus on one string instead of a yarn.

I've been poisoned by the food I've eaten. I've eaten too much and I feel sick. (sigh) Why does it always happen to me? Why do I have all these strange cravings. Now, it's more of a salty type craving. (But.. it tastes so good) And then, when I eat later.. well, I'd feel more sick or even throw up because I've eaten so much before. And everyone knows that the feeling of being full and still eating is not such a pleasant thing. But if I don't eat, I feel so empty.. I feel as if something should be in my mouth.

But, this month has improved for me. I'm not so edgy and impatient and sad and in extreme pain. But maybe I've been so numb that I can't feel these feelings. It's possible, isn't it? I really don't know how I feel anymore. Maybe I'm feeling happy right now, I don't know. Maybe sad? Or mad? I wish I knew. I hate that old familiar feeling of excitement.. that will to do something that I LIKE. Those times felt so good. I knew how to make myself feel happy.

Oh. I made everyone do that survey thing on Chinese Stereotypes. It doesn't show much, really. The conclusion? I don't think ANY of the stereotypes are true on BOTH surveys. Except maybe "Hardworking : College oriented" But that's probably pressure from the parents. You know the drill.. how parents say, "Well, we've moved from [insert homeland here] for new opportunities, and we're competing with the Americans, so [blah blah] we have to work harder than them to succeed.." Or something odd like that. You know how it is..

(sigh) You know, I realized that my whole life is being procrastinated. I fear the future, and so I just don't think about it.. don't do anything about it. Now, I have a fear of tommorow, where we are going to write an essay as an exam for World History. And I am horrible at writing essays. And I hardly know anything about communism. How can I even write about it? And I just raised my grade from a C to a B. So if I do badly on the essay exam, I'd get a C again. Great. And last semester, I actually got a high A.

It's reverse, I swear. Last semester I got A's in World Lit, History, and PE.. and guess what? I don't now. Instead, I have A's in my hardest classes.. like Chemistry Honors, and French 3!! Well. At least I know I can get good grades in them. For a while, I've lost hope. Oh. Grades. It's really not for my parents anymore. Its just soo... well, unsettling that I have such horrible grades last semester, that I HAVE to get better this time.

I hate it. Because my parents make me feel so stupid. They look at my grades, and they say.. "Well.. if you really tried..." And then silence. They don't talk about it anymore. I hate it. And while *someone* in my family gets straight A's, I can't because I'm stupid. At least, that's what the hidden message is. (See, they already know that I am stupid so they don't expect much of me.)

I'm so tired of being myself. Anyone care to subsitute for me?

previous & next