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It's past 2:30pm and I am still in my pajamas. That's such a great feeling. So sleepy in the afternoon. I feel like I've just woken up. No, more like a coma. I realized so many things in my life seems so out of date, like I haven't seen it in years. I haven't done any real thing with anything.

And I am listening to "Casualties" by Red Delicious over and over again. Maybe that's why I'm in this strange mood that I can't shake off. Kind of an unemotional feeling. Maybe it's the after effects of continuous reading of the evil "East of Eden". Its making me shiver. I'm aware that it's getting warmer and warmer, yet my right hand is freezing cold. Why is that?

I don't think I am sick. I only had a fever twice.. yes, only twice in my lifetime. At least only twice severe fevers. I might have had mild ones sometime, but I'm thinking about those severe ones that burned your mind.. those that you had to go to the doctor for. And last time wasn't so long ago either. It was around a month ago when my brother passed his flu along to me. He had a fever and I had a fever. Nice, isn't it? Well, I only stayed home for half a time and I managed to flunk a quiz and miss points in another class because I hadn't known that I was supposed to turn in something. I am never ever going to not go to school again.

I feel so wasted now. I should be doing something else. I'm at the wrong place like I always am. I should be out running or something. Not here like an idiot in the dark typing away. I have done nothing. But that's what vacation is for right? Who am I trying to convince anyway?

There's too many things that I want to do. But I'm stupid and I can't get myself to do it.. reminding me of the reason why I started this diary. You know why I revived this diary right? I started this because at first, no one read it and I thought it'd be a safe place for me to write. I wrote it all out. It started during the summer, but slowly I drifted away and then I didn't write in it much after that. Then I started again because I wanted a place to just write anything.. because of what had recently happened. It stressed me out and I just needed another place. It's therapy for me. You can go to my archive pages to check that out.. it was November 2000 when I seeked refuge here.

For a while, I was innocent. I thought I was in this protected world and it was so safe. Then I started to see things that disturbed me. Things that I never thought would happen did happened. Death was one thing. I've experienced two close deaths. One was my grandmother and another was my teacher. Although I only had that teacher for a semester, it was still something.. Maybe I felt guilty because I didn't realize that she had cancer and I even remember being annoyed at her because she was so mean to all of us. Then there was school situations, strange things that happen such as the boys scenario. Then there was the New Year's Eve movie thing. How I came home at 2am in the morning without punishment. Har. My parents still don't know. Yes, I still remember clearly what he said to me. Maybe I had been too tired.. it was after all after midnight. I think back and remember how embarassing that had been. You see? Another strange situation. It's a pattern. I could feel that something else is going to happen.

I thought that maybe I would accidently bump into one of you Diaryland people or something. Perhaps I already have and just didn't know. Wild dreams I have.

I think that I shall change out of my pajamas now. But it's so comfortable. Hmm. It's little green cotton pants with weird little prints all over it. But I know if I don't change, I'll never be fully awake. It's what my dad said and I think it's true. I still feel like I'm about to sleep any second. It's the magic spell of my pajamas. And besides.. my bed is so comfortable.. it's so extremely tempting to go back and sleep. Even though I do know that I'm not very sleepy. I have a new silk comforter..

Okay. I need to stop now. I am up so I shall do something worthwhile since I have already gotten up.

I am kind of worried about myself. About my health. Because there had been these illnesses around me, I am worried if I am really sick or not. I found this wart-like thing on my right toe.. I know for sure that it's not a simple pimple. (ooh, that rhymed) It's kind of yellowish and clear on the top. I know thats not so great to describe but I'm worried. There's another smaller wart growing.. ack. This is one time when I wish that I actually have a real pimple instead.

Perhaps it's just a worry-wart or something ;)

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